by Alexia Jasmene
If you think abut a diamond,
One of the most precious of stones,
With all it’s facets, it seems no one can know,
The true depths of its soul.
So akin are we to be mysterious to ourselves,
Always looking, questioning, and surprising,
Akin to a diamond going through insurmountable pressure to form.
So I have and continue to be pressed being reborn,
The tale starts at 7, or was it 8.
Perhaps at 4 in my grandparents daycare when I began to identify wearing a dress as my fate, but stopped myself from expressing these feelings before it was too late.
Or perhaps the time I was 12 and on the bus, pretending to be one of us.
But I digress, I don’t know the first, only that I’ve deceived myself so well for so long that I had the whole world playing along. I hid behind games with virtual arenas, tried sports and cursing and farting verbatim. I used my A to the DHD to distract myself from me and then eventually my sex engine started you see.
Her name was with a T that I will not name, and she looked like a beautiful boy with long dark brown hair. On the other side of the gym she was, and then I started to have a buzz. A buzz of desire, of emotion, of fire. My first crush and the buzz kept working. My attraction was deep, a little too deep to be something of normal course. I wanted her long flowing hair, her smaller figure, and it began to throw me in despair. How could I want to be with this girl AND want to be her. I remembered the Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde that made me think boys became girls and had me wishing. So this built, this buzz, until masturbation was. Then things increased with confusion as I began to suffer from delusions of secret fantasies as an alternate life, all the while coming to the lord and punishing myself. I had the darkest thoughts in the deepest cave in the sea and decidedly pursed to keep myself busy. I raised 120,000 for a skate park. Music was one of my keys to keep on being me and through stage and performance I re discovered a new persona that could withstand the world and hide myself well The pain in side never subsided, however, and grew to immense pressure like Fukajima under the attacks of mother nature not having a way to release. I tried counselor’s galore.
Mommy Daddy issues.
Why isn’t this working? What could it be?
Learning to mediate and channel my energy.
Yet the pressure rises and I can’t deny it.
Taking care of myself.
Finding myself as an artist,
No No No, it can’t be that it cant be!
Solidifying my character and knowing where I stand.
I can’t accept this, there has to be way out.
An opening to China to teach that led into an empty hollowing out of my being to help “motivate.”
I am dying inside and I don’t think I can still Hide!
Now my health has digressed and after some rest, I return broken, battered, and barely alive, picking up pieces of something I contrived. A falsity and telling one of my state, but then hiding another 8 months until it was almost too late. Saved only by love and able to love. Able to love myself because of another. Able to love myself because of embracing who I was, am and always will be. Able to love myself cause friends and family alike love me for making their lives bright. Able to love myself because now I feel whole and not splintered wearing masks that break with time. Able to love myself because I am worth it and love love.
So now I am here. Still on my journey, and I apologize that 24 years took so long to express. Still I have an insurmountable task: to keep loving myself and not surviving but thriving in the pressure. I’ve come so far and the pressure is great. And like a diamond, I am worth the wait.
Alexia Jasmene is a Chicago based trans actress/poet/musician/comedian who does what she can as a storyteller to change hearts and minds. She has performed at various theaters across Chicago including American Theater Company and The New Colony. She can be seen doing stand up and performing music and poetry at various events and open mics throughout the city. She occasionally performs nationally and hopes to do so more often in addition to starting a TV/Film career in order to reach more people to help rewrite the harmful narratives of trans women as “men in dresses” and “deceivers”. For more information and booking, check out her website www.alexiajamsene.com.
Come see Alexia perform during Heartspark’s Great Lakes Tour in Madison, WI and Chicago, IL on December 16th at the High Noon Saloon and December 17th at Women & Children First bookstore! Learn more about our tour on our Facebook page!