by Amy Heart • Executive Publisher, Heartspark Press
A few years ago, I wrote an essay about desirability as a queer trans woman. At the time, I was really sad that my female body was constantly being othered and/or masculinized because I was coersively assigned male at birth. I felt ugly and unwanted, all the time. Romantic partnership was out of the question and reach. You see, even though transition had set me free from a lifetime of suffering, I still found myself trapped behind layers and layers of self hatred and internalized transmisogyny. Estrogen made so many things better for me, but self-love was not a part of my HRT regiment.
Oh, how time changes everything.
It’s true that my friends still ask me if I have a partner. And I still always answer “no,” but only because my definition of partner isn’t the same as theirs. I mean, I absolutely have a family — some that were found, others bound by blood, and sometimes a mix of both. They are a major part of my life, maybe even the most important layer of what I always wanted my story to be. I have people that I am emotionally intimate with — partners in life, honestly. People who I love with my everything, even if I hardly get see them in person. One of them is a person I call my sister. ❤️ Several live in this wonderful small town I call home. Another is in the Bay Area. They are my people. They are members of my family.
I have children — not children I birthed or parent on a daily basis, but kids that I am an auntie for, a mentor to, or something else entirely. Those children continue to teach more about love than anyone else…. mostly because of how much they have decided, on their own, to love me. I would do anything for them, to make sure they were safe, to ensure the brilliant lights in their heart continue to shine brightly. It has been, and continues to be, life changing. It has been the greatest gift of them all.
But the most important part is — I am learning how to be my own partner. Even when I get frustrated, angry, or sad at how I handled something, none of that makes me any less deserving of loving myself, of being loved and seen by others. I am imperfect and complicated. I am also very sweet, caring, loyal, honorable, and more. Sometimes I am difficult to deal with because I am intense and big in every sense of the world, but that is also okay. Without the difficult, I wouldn’t be who I am — I wouldn’t be me.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be to have a more “normal” life, if I wasn’t trans, jumbo-sized, asexual, etc, and that can make me sad. But I don’t know. I like, even love, what my life has become. I am rarely lonely anymore, and when I am, I have a world to turn to. I am finally just Amy, and maybe that makes me the luckiest girl in the world.
Amy Eleanor is a queer storyteller and social justice advocate, dedicated to lifting the voices of trans girls and trans women everywhere. In recent years, she has focused her energy on ‘unlearning’ white supremacy, studying disability justice, and building strong relationships with other trans women artists. In October, she released her first children’s book, The Girl from the Stars. Amy currently resides in her “chosen” hometown of Olympia, Washington.